Too close to your screen? You’ll get square eyes.

Woah, easy there tiger! Don’t get too close to the screen whilst you’re reading this article, you’ll strain your eyesight and get square eyes if you do. How dare you pull that face at me, I’m only trying to help! Be careful though, if you go outside with that scrunched up expression and the wind changes, your face will stay like that!

Wondering what the hell I’m talking about? Me too. However, as ridiculous as they sound now each and every one of us was a sucker for them when we were kids. Some are so inconceivable they’re laughable and others are just there to shake you out of a certain behaviour. One thing they had in common though was that old wives tales always did the trick.

Old wives tales have been around since the first century, where ever since they have been employed as some sort of tool to discourage needless behaviour. It’s been an effective one at that, especially when you think nearly all old wives tales are entirely fictional, or hugely exaggerated. The main aim of these sorts of fables was to either plain scare you out of doing something, or to teach you a lesson where it has a moral message behind it. Either way, after two thousand years it still has the power to be utterly believable, no matter how false and absurd the claim is.

I was genuinely convinced that eating your crusts gave you hairs on your chest, although I can’t understand why at nine years old I thought that was ever a good thing. As for my sister, or any other female for that matter, wouldn’t that send them running in the opposite direction to a pile of crusts?!

Carrots were another one. My grandparents used to religiously tell me that eating lots of them would help me see in the dark, obviously in order to encourage me to eat my vegetables. I however, saw it as a golden opportunity to become my very own superhero. I stupidly thought that if I ate a shedload of the orange stuff I would have permanent night vision, having the power to being able to see as well in the dark as I do in the daytime. I’m glad I didn’t pursue this Marvel comic strip hero pipedream any longer though. I mean, how bad does “Carrotman!” sound for a tough superhero?

The list goes on. There are hundreds of little white lies that our parents and our grandparents used to tell us when we were younger, more than likely passed down from their own grandparents over years gone by. Swimming less than one hour after eating food will lead to life threatening stomach cramps; an apple a day keeps the doctor away; you’ll catch a cold if you go outside with wet hair; if your ears are burning someone is talking about you; chocolate causes acne. The catalogue of old wives tales is virtually endless. I could go on forever listing them, which just shows the extent over generations and generations.

A question I always seem to be stuck on however is, why do we continue to feed these fabricated statements to our children and grandchildren, and in some instances believe them ourselves deep into adulthood? We have a wealth of health knowledge at our disposal, whilst medical science is advancing quicker than lightning striking twice in the same place. This is in an age where we all rush to our friend Google to research answers concerning our welfare, more often or not looking for the worst possible outcomes. Do we then sometimes just take what our mum tells us as a given, just to stop ourselves from logging on and consequently avoiding hours on search engines scaring ourselves stupid?

You’d think that by now we would believe doctors or dieticians over our worries rather than some superstitious fables, but I somehow think that old wives tales belong as a part of growing up. I would even go as far to say that they are white lies similar to that of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Yes, we grow out of those two far quicker but I think looking back old wives tales were quite a fun and simple way of keeping their children in check, even if the majority are completely falsified.

So, old wives tales range from the downright bizarre to the somewhat believable, but we all fall for them as a kid. They have become something of a tradition these days, going hand in hand with growing up, as parents and grandparents alike use them to level a child’s behaviour. The scary thing is, we all know that we’ll use them ourselves with our future children, even though we know there isn’t an ounce of truth to be seen.

I know this might sound a bit evil, but I am quite looking forward to tricking my son or daughter into thinking that a sneezing cat is a sign of impending wealth, or that breaking a mirror results in seven years bad luck. Anyway my nose is itching so I must go, I’m expecting someone...

Cool Brittania: Patriotism rules once again.

Us Brits have always been fickle people. We have a notorious reputation for being hard to please and an insatiable appetite for moaning, and with our national media always quick to jump the gun on damning headlines, we probably don’t look too pretty to the rest of the world either.

Some people would attribute this to our lack of identity. Before this year the perception that British people shied away from their ‘Britishness’ burned bright in the eyes of others. I mean, there’s plenty of things that make Great Britain British, but it’s our inability to shout about it that has left the rest of the world wondering where our sense of pride has run away to.

There’s definitely lots of things that the UK is known for. We have the greatest poet of all time in William Shakespeare, the best rock ‘n’ roll music, the monarchy and of course the weather, just to name a few. I get a sneaky feeling however that everyone’s impression of us is somewhat out-dated. I fear that we’re imagined as all sounding like Hugh Grant, being able to visit the Queen whenever we wanted, all dressed in a smart suit complete with a bowler hat and an umbrella. Not only that, they must also think we must cosy up as a family every night eager for the next episode of Eastenders whilst tucking into fish and chips and a cup of tea. Whilst there is some truth in that, a lot of it I could imagine would have been the norm around fifty years ago, not in 2012.

What makes it so hard for us to embrace our country? There could be several reasons, with a notable one being that we are an alliance on four countries, with each one striving for it’s own sense of individuality and national pride. This can of course create tension between them, as we’ve seen with Scotland and England, with the Scots growing ever closer to becoming an independent nation.

The UK is also one of the most ethnically diverse countries on Earth, with London being branded as “the most multi-cultural city in the world”. It’s this multiculturalism and the waves of different ethnicities which have entered Great Britain that have divided the population’s opinion. A lot of the UK’s aboriginal inhabitants have made more than a few comments towards the government being too gracious about the number of foreigners they let reside in the country.

This has also led to the natives being stifled when they’d rather shout about their own country, with authorities too scared that it might upset other religions and ethnic backgrounds. One particular example of this is during sporting events, various taxi companies and other firms have been somewhat banned from displaying the British flag or St. George’s flag in their windows or cars. This obviously caused a lot of anger and widespread criticism amongst the British public with calls for a halt to the number of foreigners allowed in the country.

 So, with uproar garnering pace the question was posed: When would the British public be allowed to show their country off properly, and embrace it by showering it with decorations and millions of voices?

2012 is the answer. Throughout the whole year, the eyes of the world have been on us, watching eagerly. With both the Diamond Jubilee and London Olympics on everyone’s agenda, it had been a long long time since Great Britain, and London, had been the centrepiece of the world. It’s easy to say that we performed, with the Jubilee an extravagant yet appropriate commemoration of our monarch, and the 2012 Games described as the “greatest Olympics ever”. However, did we ourselves get enough room to scream about it at the top of our lungs, or were we restricted to yet another whisper?

Not in my lifetime have I ever seen a greater display of patriotism in this country before. Everywhere you went this summer everyone was embracing the atmosphere, hugging it tight and not letting go until it was absolutely necessary. Name a decoration, and it was there. Bunting was laden from rooftop to rooftop, flags were in every shop window, and the streets were crammed full of people when the slightest whiff of anything to do with a British event was on the cards. The country was like a vicar rediscovering his faith, a blind person now being able to see.

 From a personal point of view, it’s amazing to be able to see the country being let loose on expressing itself, showing the world it’s true colours. There were no controversies, no public disagreements between ethnic minorities, which just makes you wonder what the authorities were moaning about. Then again, they are British and it’s what we’re best at.

Great Britain and it’s people seem like they have found their voice again. If you ask me, I’m looking forward to us further rejoicing in what makes Great Britain great again.